To the Light

I hope all of you who celebrate Thanksgiving had a great one! My life is going to be especially busy over the next month or so (whose isn't?), but this week in particular, I have music rehearsals every day, so if I'm not around, that's why. I really would like to get to writing out my Mercy story, but I have to be in a fairly stable place before I try to delve into all of that again. With so much going on right now, I just can't afford to fall apart after digging into something I "thought I could handle." So I'll get back to it as soon as possible, but for now I'll be focusing on some things that are a little easier for me to write about.

If you've written me any emails/messages asking questions about Mercy or my story, I fully intend to reply, but it might take me a while. Please don't take it personally. I care, and I want to give you the most well-thought out reply that I can, but in order to do that, I need to take care of myself first.

In my personal life, I am hoping to do something this week that I view as a pretty big step forward in my healing process, so I am both nervous and excited. I'd rather keep the specifics to myself, but I'd like to talk a bit about taking steps towards healing.

I wrote a poem a couple of years back, on the way home from spending a week with some of my favorite people in the world. I've shared it with a good number of people since then, and have been told that it's touched many of their lives. I am amazed that a simple stream-of-consciousness poem written from my own experiences can do that, but I will admit it's one of my favorites I have written. I hope it can touch someone reading this blog as well.

(Feel free to share it if you like, but please credit to this blog. This poem is very personal. It means a lot to me, and I would be hurt to see it passed off as another's work.)

exposed.

here i stand,
stripped of my pretenses,
an open book.
no more masks,
no more walls to protect me,
here i stand before you --
vulnerable.
no more pretending
denying, avoiding...
past hurts are once again fresh,
and i am scared.
i can't do this on my own,
please hold me.
reassure me,
encourage me.
give me strength to do this.
i am walking on the wire,
please,
give me your hand...
don't let me fall!
here i stand before you,
no walls,
no masks,
just me.
will you teach me to love myself?
tell me i am beautiful,
precious?
remind me how much i have to share?
will you tell me until i believe it?
it's going to take some time.
but here i stand before you,
my deepest secrets laid bare...
standing at the edge of the cliff --
i am ready to begin.

Mostly, I'd like to just leave it at that. I feel like too much of my rambling on about all of the meanings and stories tied up in the poem can take away from the power of the simple, straightforward words that are there. If you would like to know more, I would be happy to tell you. There are a couple of experiences alluded to in the poem that I know I will be sharing about in the future. But for now, I just want to share part of what I wrote underneath the poem, where I have it saved on my computer.

"I was thinking about recovery, and having to open myself up to people...how it makes me feel naked, exposed. This poem was the result. All those parts of me I hid for so long, all those parts I didn't want anyone to see...they've got to be out in the open if I ever want to truly recover. I have to trust people."

It's difficult. It's terrifying. But it's good. That's recovery.