Understand

Wednesday, December 2, 2009
On one of the mental health related forums I am a member of, someone started a thread about personal experiences of stigma and stereotypes, and what we do to combat those misconceptions. As I wrote out my reply, it kind of turned into a "what I want people to understand about me" post. The roots of most of this are in my family, and I greatly fear others having similar views. The rest mainly stems from inadequate explanations on my part. When it comes to talking about my mental health related problems, I have a hard time saying things straight out -- I tend to talk "around" things instead and hope people pick up on the implications. Also, I just plain have a hard time explaining things out loud. If I write it out, I can go back and change the wording, clear things up, make it easier to understand. I can make sure I'm really saying what I want to say. So, these are some things I wish people understood about me.

People don't understand. I try and explain, but they just don't understand why I can't just do everything "normal" people can do.

I hate it when people don't take emotional abuse as seriously as other forms of abuse. Like because I was never physically or sexually abused, I should just get over it and stop whining. Same with depression...just because it's common, apparently it's less serious than if I had some other mental illness. "Yeah, but depression's not a real mental illness, not like bipolar or schizophrenia or something."

It's like, "Oh, you've *only* been emotionally abused, you *only* have depression, what are you complaining about?" Like I'm just pretending to have a difficult time with things. Like I'm just not trying hard enough. Like I'm just being lazy, manipulative, looking for attention. Hearing those sorts of things is part of what messed me up in the first place.

I'm trying, I'm really trying! With school, with working, with taking care of myself. I'm trying so hard, but they just push and push and tell me to try harder, to not let fear get in my way, to not make excuses. They make me feel like I'm not good enough because I can only handle taking 8 credits (2 classes) at a time right now, when the usual course load is 12-18 credits. And if I'm still having trouble keeping up, I must not be trying, I must be sitting around all day, and depression is just an excuse, I'm just trying to be manipulative. The only reason I haven't found a job is because I'm lazy, because I have no motivation, because I'm obviously not trying very hard and I just need to get out there and try! They don't understand that I can't -- not without help! I have a very real (and understandable, given my past) fear of being employed.

I wish they could understand that I don't want to be like this. I would love to be able to take a normal course load and be able to keep up. I would love to have a job and be able to work without this fear that stresses me out to the point of becoming suicidal. I would love to not be afraid of people, to be able to just go and hang out with my friends, to even have friends like other people! I would love to stop feeling like I have to hide away in my room, I would love to stop feeling like I'm bad and I don't deserve to talk or be around people or be noticed. I would love to stop feeling like my very presence, my very existence, is a problem, like I need to hide, I need to not take up space in the world. I would love it if I didn't have to worry about random emotional flashbacks when I'm out in public -- suddenly feeling so small and vulnerable, in a big scary place with big scary people that might yell at me or tease me or hurt me, and I have to run, I have to hide, I have to make myself as small as possible so they can't see me, can't get me.

I'm not being manipulative. I'm not faking or exaggerating. I'm not looking for attention. If I was, why would I try so hard to hide these things and not talk about them? Why would I try so hard to blend in and be normal and put my happy face on?

I just wish people would understand.


Now, just to clear something up: I don't want to give the impression that I don't have any friends, because that's not true -- I have some amazing friends who care about me a lot. And I know if they knew -- if I was open about the things I am dealing with -- they would be there for me. They've proven this many times when I have talked about stuff. I just have a hard time trusting people, believing that they really do consider me a friend and want to spend time with me.

I was taught early on that just because someone says something nice to you doesn't mean it's true. People lie to be polite, so you won't feel bad, or because they feel sorry for you. If they think you're annoying, if they don't want to be around you, if they're sick of hearing you talk, if they're embarrassed to be seen with you, they're not going to tell you. They'll lie and reassure you that you're not annoying, you don't talk too much, they enjoy spending time with you, you're their friend, etc. -- because they're nice people and don't want to hurt your feelings.

So that's why I say, "I wish I could have friends like other people." It's not because there's no one who wants to be my friend. It's because I have such a hard time believing that they'd want to be my friends. And so I hide in my room. I often eat meals alone, although I've gotten better about being able to go and sit down at a table with people I know. I just generally don't spend time with people unless I'm invited. Because...what if they don't want me around?

I know it's distorted thinking, but it can be awfully hard to just step around it. I'm trying, but it's going to take a while. It took a long time for me to become this solid in this skewed perspective...it's going to take a long time to replace those lies with truth.

2 comments:

  1. Recovering Alumni said...

    Hey Grace,

    I totally resonate with this post. It reminds me of something my counselor told me..."Basically, based on what you have been through in your life, you are right where you should be." Even though we might feel like we are not 'normal,' we actually ARE normal. Our emotional state is a NORMAL reaction to the trauma we've been through.

    December 4, 2009 at 10:11 AM  

  2. Grace said...

    Thanks, RA. =) I like what your counselor told you. That's very true - sometimes I forget.

    December 7, 2009 at 9:59 AM  

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